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Today, 22 November 2009

› SACP attacks Malema

› Meteor 'flash' in Gauteng

› Malema attack 'racist'

› Govt settles with Pikoli

› Will cops play brokers?

Yesterday, 21 November 2009

› SACP attacks Malema

› Match-fixing stuns Europe

› JZ hails Miss World effect

› Henry offers replay

› No armchair ride for Boks

Question
My spouse was recently diagnosed with Self Destructive Narcissism.

She finds it difficult to keep a job, currently cannot find work, and seems to be oblivious to the impact of this on our family life.

Which is worse - for us to divorce, or to live under the same roof?

Sometimes I think my wife has the emotional development of a thirteen-year-old, and I'm suffering from just about every known stress symptom at the moment!

Answer
When you wrote these emails to us, you sounded SO angry and frustrated!

I wonder what has happened to that anger in the couple of weeks that have now gone by. Perhaps it has settled into a feeling more of disappointment, mingled with worry and concern for your children?

Or has it grown and become more deeply rooted?

When a relationship is breaking up, people rarely behave at their best. I'm not too sure what "self destructive narcissism" really means in this (or any other) case - except to say that every person has within them the potential to start regarding their own wants and needs as paramount, while at the same time ignoring what other people need and expect from them. (I guess that this is what you mean by saying that her behaviour is at the level of a young teenager).

As a matter of course, demanding behaviour, blaming out and helplessness will make the situation worse and increase your stress; and as she sees you reacting to stress, she probably becomes more insecure and therefore more demanding and helpless - a classic vicious circle.

With this level of anger, it doesn't sound possible for the relationship to be restored; but regardless of how you're feeling right now, it can sometimes be helpful to try and remember the feelings and thoughts that got the two of you together in the first place, to marry and then to have two children.

In other words, to recall your wife "at her best" and not "at her worst" (as she perhaps is right now).

That conscious recalling of the positive can be important, because somehow a way has to be found for you to continue to relate to her as your children's only mother. That can be difficult when powerful anger and disrespect come between you all the time, constantly focusing your attention on her worst attributes and actions (and hers on yours).

As to the question about divorce, children tend to be very hurt and scared by divorce or even talk of divorce, unless the family situation prior to that has been so ugly and abusive that they also can't stand it any more - and even then, they may sorrow for the "family" that they have lost.

Divorce, to a child, is the death of his or her family. It is a huge event which is likely to echo down the years of their lives, influencing many decisions and choices.

If there is tremendous anger, disrespect, hateful talk and recrimination between the parents, so much the worse for their young.

Children have enough on their plate dealing with the separation of their parents and the idea that love between parents can die (which quickly pulls in the related idea that love between parent and child can also die).

It is too much, if they also have to deal with powerful emotions and destructive descriptions of either parent, because children tend to love both of their parents whether the parents deserve it or not.

Therefore, I encourage you (and anyone else facing a painful, angry divorce) to seek professional help for yourselves and your children.

It helps to talk about it, to have a neutral yet supportive person involved who can act as a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on through the worst moments, and a guide to remind you of your own preferred directions, when you start to lose your bearings among all the emotions and regrets.

A good book to read is "Divorce: A South African Perspective" by Anne-Marie Wentzel, which is available from quality bookstores.

It goes into all aspects of a divorce - legal, emotional, family and financial.