I've been with him for three years. All this time of constantly being pushed away when he was in pain, he never told me. I just found out from his mother. I do not know how to cope.

I want to be there for him, but he denies me an audience and the truth, even though I moved three states away from family and friends to be with him. When he is in pain, I am totally in the dark and alone.

How do I cope with a man who builds his self-confidence on how he looks? What do I do when he pushes me away? How do I get him to absorb the knowledge that pushing me away should not be an acceptable behaviour?

I love him no matter how much weight he loses, but I feel helpless and alone.

Answer
He is probably going through a grief of his own, and dealing with it in the best way he knows.

He didn't want you to know; it wasn't his preference, but that decision, and the chance to tell you in his own way, was taken out of his hands by his mother. I wonder what that is like for him?

To have a mother and a girlfriend who get together to discuss his health behind his back? (I know it's not unusual ? in fact it's pretty much universal to do this type of thing ? but that doesn't make it any easier for the person concerned. Crohn's has already taken away so many of his choices, and now people have got together to deprive him of control even more).

It's a source of tremendous pain that his way of coping has tended to shut you out ? that's what I am hearing here.

And it's very understandable ? as you say, you made yourself vulnerable for him, but he won't do the same with you.

However, I wonder what is getting you to denounce what is certainly a coping response, by saying that it's "not an acceptable behaviour"?

What you mean (I take it) is that this behaviour is not acceptable TO YOU. In other words, the love you feel for him may not survive this treatment. Is that what you mean by unacceptable?

It's not difficult to "get him to absorb the knowledge" ? you just tell him, straight and raw, how it makes you feel and what that does to your feelings for him.

But is this really the best way forward for the relationship? I would suggest that you try to tune in to him more closely, asking him what he finds most helpful in the bad moments, and what he most enjoys when the two of you are together.

Find out what was better for him, when you didn't know about the Crohn's, and how that has changed now that you do. Ask him to tell you about Crohn's, what he understands of the disease and how he sees his dealings with it in the future (for instance, if surgery is on the cards or if he's determined to avoid it).

Instead of demanding that HE make the moves to change the atmosphere you make them ? by being the best listener you know how to be. Invite him to choose sharing the burden, instead of demanding that he must, and respect his choice either way.

Find out what is keeping him going at the moment, what is keeping love alive for him, holding him with you. Chances are he enjoys things that make him feel more normal, but doesn't enjoy being told that his concerns about his body (inside and outside) are misdirected and his behaviour unacceptable.

His fears are very real. Body concerns are increasing in intensity year on year, and men are now just as vulnerable as women; I wonder how you'd react if one of your female friends started to feel bad about her body (probably because of gaining weight rather than losing it) and became preoccupied?

You might not react at all, because it's so common as to be completely normal.

And he really does have something to worry about, because people DO make all kinds of assumptions about your personality and capabilities, based on how you look.

So one has to respect his concerns, not write them off as irrelevant.

Isn't he telling you that he doesn't need a mother figure to sort him out? He needs a friend and a lover to build him up?

Instead of feeling excluded, maybe you could recognise the importance you have in his eyes, as someone who respects him and finds him sexy... even if he hasn't given you enough credit yet, but in time, he will.

A chronic illness like Crohn's Disease (which is both embarrassing and scary) can be alienating enough without people thinking they can tell you what to do ? even true love doesn't buy you that right.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it doesn't look as though sympathy, in itself, will get you anywhere at the moment, though I'm sure that many people, including me, feel it.

It's clear that things need to change, for both your sakes, hence the above suggestions.

So why not ask yourself what you would prefer to do, given that what you have been doing so far to try and reconnect with him, is being thrown back in your face, and I'm guessing you don't want any more of that.