> Fun ways to get fit

> Training for success

> Smokers get their way

> SA tests HIV concoction

> Stem cell awareness

> Safeguard your heart

> Saying sorry works

> Time to detox...

> Smoke-free cigarettes

> Swine flu not mutating

Today, 22 November 2009

› SACP attacks Malema

› Meteor 'flash' in Gauteng

› Malema attack 'racist'

› Govt settles with Pikoli

› Will cops play brokers?

Yesterday, 21 November 2009

› SACP attacks Malema

› Match-fixing stuns Europe

› JZ hails Miss World effect

› Henry offers replay

› No armchair ride for Boks

Question
There is a very special man in my life that I feel may be going through a midlife crisis.

He is 36, and has been very concerned about weight that he has gained, has recently purchased a motorcycle, is talking about wanting more children, now feels he isn't ready for a committed relationship, has reclassified sex as "no longer the most important thing in his life", has begun ejaculating prematurely and struggles to maintain an erection.

Does this sound like a midlife crisis and how long does this usually go on for in most men?

Answer
Yes, it certainly does sound like a midlife crisis and this one has "bells on". But what IS this event? It's not a medical problem, it's a cultural phenomenon — a crisis of personal meaning in life.

It is also saying something about the ideas men have in this society, what they believe it is to be a man; and not only that, but what it means to be a young man or an old one.

So a man in a "midlife crisis" is a man who is experiencing himself on that uncomfortable "in between" of young and old, who is responding to fears about life's changing nature, and negative messages that he has picked up (consciously or unconsciously) about the second half of his natural life.

There may be other boundaries or "in betweens" that are relevant: in-between relationships, for instance, or in-between jobs, or responsibilities. These tend to coincide with midlife but are not directly connected.

The relevant messages concern appearance, strength, vigour, sexuality, and opportunity — all of which are matters very dear to anyone's heart.

No wonder the outcome is sometimes a psychological crisis! It's a hard thing to face, the anxiety is intense (as you can see from its effect on his sex life) and some people need a bit of unreality or even a motorbike to get them through.

Because it is not a medical illness, we can't predict the duration of the crisis.

It will take as long as he needs to work through the issues; if he tries to avoid the pressing questions or is good at self-deception, he may take many years in the struggle to accommodate reality and make many painful mistakes in the process, but it doesn't have to be like that.

I do really wonder if it is helpful, for the individual, to know that other people are labelling his worries and attempts to adjust a “midlife crisis”.

Rather invite him to share his perception of how his life has panned out so far, the things he regrets, the things he still wants to do, the things he fears he may never do now, how he feels about himself when he's on that motorbike, for instance.

What hopes or feelings he is seeking to recapture when he immerses himself in young life. Talk about growing older in a way that is personal, empathic with feelings, and positive — that opens the way to hope not despair.

Nobody wants to grow old, to have less opportunity, to accept that some of our dreams will never come true. But on the other hand, some of the messages we have heard about middle age and even old age are mythical.

There is much that we can do to take charge of our physical health, our emotional well-being, our sexual health, our relationships, our finances and even our careers; there is much that we don't have to accept even though it may be widely believed.

And there is much about youth that is not worth hanging onto, as he'll figure out for himself, given a chance.

It is often said that "crisis" represents a moment of choice and of opportunity.

Midlife presents its mutually exclusive choices; when going forward doesn't appeal, many try going back. It doesn't last, but sometimes a lot of damage can be done in the process, and it is in the limitation of damage and provision of understanding support that friends come into their own.

In connection with others, with those who love him as he is and try to understand, he can begin to see himself through their eyes, reviewing his preferences for his own future self, and loosening the grip of nostalgia that keeps him stuck in a stage of life that is now past.