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Today, 22 November 2009

› SACP attacks Malema

› Meteor 'flash' in Gauteng

› Malema attack 'racist'

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Yesterday, 21 November 2009

› SACP attacks Malema

› Match-fixing stuns Europe

› JZ hails Miss World effect

› Henry offers replay

› No armchair ride for Boks

Question
I am a 28-year-old male. I have been married for two years and have no children yet. I have a very bad habit, which I really hate when I look back upon it.

Initially, when I come in contact with pets, like dogs or a cats, especially ones which are smaller in size, I tend to love and cuddle them but then, maybe after some days, when nobody is around, I tend to trap the animal and hit him. I torture the animal really hard.

Then when the animal becomes meek and helpless, I feel that the animal can't do anything to me except keep taking my beatings.

I then try to cuddle the animal. I want to make the animal really loyal to me.

We have a street cat coming to our house, which my wife feeds with milk and food. The cat is about 7-8 months old. I also like the cat and sometimes feeds it. But sometimes I find the cat selfish and clever. I feel that though I tend to take care of the cat and love her, the cat in turn eats the food and runs off.

When it won't let me touch it, I feel like catching it and really beating it up. I did once trap her inside a bucket and tormented her for about an hour. The cat is afraid of me now.

Now, I feel I shouldn't have a child because I may become very strict with the kid, may beat him and scold him.

I want to know the reason for my behaviour.

Answer
This sounds like a difficult thing to live with and I suspect that there is a lot of pain behind it. I also do not think that something like this can easily be overcome through self-help - eg. through visiting websites. You need to consult with someone face to face, if that is possible where you live, and talk about this.

Confession is good for the soul, it is said; and that includes being heard and understood. Abusive behaviour, whether towards human beings or animals, thrives on secrecy — break the secret and the abuse will have less power over you.

If I had to guess, I'd say that this behaviour is a repeating of something that happened to you and which troubled you deeply when you were a small child. Perhaps you had a background where you were physically or emotionally abused; that is why it is important for the animals you torment to love you and be loyal to you first.

Their love is similar to the love of a child who loves its parents regardless; but of course the fact that a child or an animal loves you only makes the hurting and abusing worse.

You are correct that there is a serious risk of child abuse here — but standing against that possibility, is the ability you have shown to be honest about the behaviour and to take a stand by saying you don't like it. Furthermore, you are clear on what you do want: to be loved and not feared. Just as the cat has learned to fear you (and cats don't forget lessons like that, they are intelligent animals), so would a child learn to fear you if you beat him or her.

If you can go through the stories and scenes where the hurting began in your life, explore your first encounters with pain or abuse or tormenting, and then fill out the history you have with these things since then, you may find that the urge to hurt and torment will lessen and maybe leave you altogether.

In the meantime, you also (quite obviously) need to take this a step further and make sure that you are not left alone with an animal; just as a child abuser needs to make sure that he or she is not in a position to abuse a child.

It may also help to consider the simple nature of the animal you have with you, so that you can have reasonable expectations of its behaviour. Cats are like that: they are independent and this is a street cat so it is all the more "by itself". They show love and affection by accepting food from you and, if you're very honoured, by letting you stroke them or sitting on your lap.

The same goes for children: often, children are abused because adults don't appreciate the development a child naturally goes through and has unrealistic expectations of his or her behaviour. Educating yourself about what to expect can be helpful in making a stand against abuse or unrealistic attitudes.

You can read books about pet care and cats, and books about parenting - it won't put a stop to abuse in itself but it may help when abuse tries to hook you in again.

I think your letter shows tremendous courage and honesty; it cannot have been easy to admit to such an unacceptable thing and to face up to it in yourself. That is the first step to overcoming it, but you need to go further and find the right kind of support.

I'd suggest talking to a doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist about this; if there is no such professional available, a spiritual healer might be a good alternative (I see you are in India).

I would definitely not recommend searching on the Net; you are more likely to find websites where cruelty is celebrated and people talk callously about it, and reading such material would only confuse you and upset you even more.