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Today, 19 March 2010

› Sky journo fingers guards

› Zille set to swallow ID

› Man (20) held for dog sex

› Israel retaliates swiftly

› Malema chickens out

Yesterday, 18 March 2010

› 'Distasteful' Zille slated

› 'Tender not advertised'

› 'Zuma let the world down'

› Zuma to 'militarise' wives

› 'I was not drag racing'

Question
I neglected my wife and became an alcoholic, then she had an affair. She told me she has stopped and I'm no longer drinking, but I cannot trust her and she does not trust me either.

We are always fighting because of lack of trust.

Please help me because I still love her a lot.

Answer
It's tough to get through this without help. You had an affair with alcohol that started to sink the love you had; her affair then sunk it a whole lot more.

Now it's like a boat that is full of water, barely able to stay afloat and knocked back by every wave that comes along, small or big. Neither of you put the relationship first, but now you are trying to do just that.

This change of heart about the relationship requires some anxiety-free space for figuring out what is left, and how this particular boat can ever be repaired and float again.

Serious damage to ships and boats can't be fixed out at sea: the ship must come into the dock and rest awhile!

It can take time to rebuild trust; trust has to be earned through positive experiences and communication. Old patterns of communication — especially patterns that were associated with alcohol abuse and unfaithfulness — will tend to reassert themselves.

The result, as you see, is fighting, which only supports the fear that all hope is lost. The anxiety-free space can be achieved by learning new ways to communicate, which don't introduce anger, fear or threats into the space between you.

It's about finding a new way to honour and respect that "space" in which your relationship lives and breathes.

I'd suggest that you both go to FAMSA and get professional support; if you're both willing to do that, then there must be something there, a space that can be made safe for both of you to start over.

And, if you're serious about staying away from alcohol, I'd also suggest that you get the backup of an organisation like AA. They will help you to understand some of the patterns that led you into alcohol abuse, which will keep you from finding a substitute in some other addictive or compulsive behaviour.

Al-Anon, the related group for family members, might be helpful to your wife, in helping her understand her own moves in response to alcohol abuse, and in learning to handle emotions and conflicts in a more constructive way.