There are over eight cupboards and literally two rooms exclusively filled with this sort of unused junk. Her credit card debt is enormous and she refuses to set a budget.

These problems are driving my family apart. We all avoid being around her and are very, very frustrated by the stuff which makes living in our house miserable and maddening.

My mom refuses to admit she has any sort of problem ? in fact she usually retorts with, "no, YOU have a problem" and thus, therapy, at this point, is out of the question.

My deep thanks for your help.

Answer
Take a look at our archives, because this issue of shopping addiction has been addressed recently. Remember that this is an addiction, just like other more common addictions, to alcohol or drugs.

Like alcoholism, it is a "disease of denial". We also have an article on file about Gambling Addiction which is similar in some ways.

The idea behind this way of understanding addictions, is that the addictive behaviour serves to block out or numb feelings. It is a way of dealing, dishonestly, with the reality of a life and at the same time a way of avoiding the challenges that life has been serving up.

As well as the problem of breaking a habit, the addict must face the fear of having to deal with reality face to face if they give up their addiction.

In such cases, individual therapy is not going to help even if the person themselves agrees to go. It will take the people around her to confront the problem in an uncompromising way, letting her know that the addiction has messed the family around enough and won't be given any more slack.

That puts the ball firmly back in your father's court (to mix a metaphor). He might need to make sure that he is not liable for her debt, and that his assets are not being used as collateral for her borrowing. (If a bank or other institution is so unwise as to continue lending unsecured, they are going to whistle for their money).

So I would recommend that he takes some legal and financial advice about how he can secure his possessions and limit the material damage. He might also want to take action about the "stuff" that is clogging his living space.

These actions all involve the rebuilding or reassertion of personal boundaries, and he might need some emotional support to do that.

In almost every case of addiction, you find people around the addict who become "enablers"; typically, enablers are people who have severe difficulties in recognising or maintaining personal boundaries, including boundaries of responsibility.

Even while they suffer the effects of the addiction, enablers may relish the feelings of being in control, being the responsible one. For an enabler, the giving up of the addiction can result in some difficult dealings, because now he or she must also start to face reality and the demands of a real relationship, without the buffer of the addiction.

This can make it difficult for enablers to give up their role; they may sabotage the battle against the addiction, all the while declaring the opposite.

While some people may be primed by early experience for this enabling role, I personally do not believe that enablers are inadequate people. Instead I would say that addictions are very powerful and have the ability to reorganise lives, not only the life of the addict but also those people close to him or her.

We are all creatures of habit and often prefer the familiar, even when it is painful, to something new that requires effort and reorganisation of our resources.

I suggest that you, the young woman of the family, and your father together contact a group like Al-Anon which is an organisation that supports the families and dependents of alcoholics; someone will come and visit you, and you can explain that your family is being held hostage by an addiction which is not alcohol-related but is just as destructive to family life, and ask for advice.

Al-Anon or the AA also has literature which you might find helpful. If there is an addiction clinic nearby, they too may be able to help. The best clinics offer family support and can put you in touch with support groups.

I'd also suggest searching the Internet. Use a good search engine and put in "Shopping addiction" ? see where that leads.

You might also consult a psychologist, as a family, for advice and suggestions on how to proceed and especially how to try to change the "rules" by which your family has been operating, and which have been allowing the addiction to have so much control.

Therapists working in the field of addiction often have experience in facilitating a confrontation experience, where the addict is set up and (lovingly) confronted by people who want to take a stand against the addiction and what it is doing to him or her.

This needs very careful planning and handling to ensure that destructive ideas and feelings are not given space, so you need someone experienced to help you move through this process.

The objective is to blast the "denial" out of the water. That in itself will not solve the problem of the addiction but at least it will no longer be able to hide after that, in a semblance of normality or in finger-pointing at other people.