Recently the issue of family has again hit the press in South Africa. Whether this sensational coverage is a good thing, is being doubted. Professor Herman Conradie, a leading expert in this field, has become convinced through his research that the press should not report family murders, because it can activate other potential family killers to follow suit. Yet lack of understanding of the problems such killers may face, contributes to isolation and leaves us powerless to do anything. Perhaps we need to understand the mind of the killer, without condoning or encouraging the crime.

At one time, when it was obvious that the old social system in South Africa was collapsing, this country topped the international ratings for the crime of family killing. Why was this, and why do we still hear of it happening today?

Family killers are different

Family killers are different from other mass murderers, because in nearly every case, they attempt to kill themselves. If they survive, it is due to miscalculation or prompt intervention, but most do not survive because lethal means, almost always firearms, are involved. A family murder can be described, most of the time, as an "extended suicide". The killer does not fear the anger of society, because he plans to die as well and because he already feels rejected or discarded by society.

Family murder was more frequent in the dying days of apartheid, with most of the killers being Afrikaners. At that time, many white, and especially Afrikaner men, felt let down and betrayed by the leaders they had trusted and often risked their lives to support (these leaders are the very same people who now deny all knowledge of what went on, despite the bitterness of those who carried out the orders).

Cultural and religious beliefs about family life and the way the world "must" be - racially separated and authoritarian with whites and males in charge - were overturned, and the shock put many Afrikaner or conservative families into crisis.

The present political situation is very different, but some groups still feel very alienated. Others who did not manifest the problem before (such as the so- called "coloured" population many of whom who are also Afrikaners culturally) are now experiencing feelings of crisis and exclusion far worse than they did before.

How this alienation can lead to family murder

Crisis can interact with long term problems around marriage, parenting, employment, money or alcohol to create serious stress, but the family killer appears unable to talk about feelings or admit how stressed and out of control he is feeling. This isn't seen as acceptable behaviour for a man - he must "take it on the chin" and cope alone, which his community defines as strength. In reality, it's terrible weakness.

A common feature of family relationships prior to a killing incident, is pathological possessiveness over the wife and children, including sexual jealousy over the wife. The family killer believes that these people are his property and is unable to see that they have rights and lives of their own. This is not really a feature of individual mentality, but rather of participation in a culture or tradition that does not allow equality.

Cultures that uphold the centrality of the male or father figure while keeping women childish are called "patriarchal" meaning "rule of the father". Patriarchal cultures are intense about control of women's behaviour, fearing the female principle that unconsciously represents loss of control. This primitive fear lies behind much violence towards women and language that degrades women, but it also fuels intense sexual jealousy and rage if a woman takes authority to end a relationship or meets someone else. Conservative cultures seem more open to this mindset, although not all traditionalists are potential wife or child killers!

There also must be individual factors. A man (or woman for that matter) may be more inclined to pathological possessiveness and authoritarian relationships if he has a weak sense of self, and cannot function or make decisions without the support, obedience and admiration of his wife or children. He may then come to believe, wrongly, that they cannot or should not function without him. When this weak, insecure person is confronted with marital or family problems, especially if they result in estrangement, he cannot deal with it.

This type of personality development is more likely if a boy is brought up in a very authoritarian environment, where he is not encouraged to think for himself or to question what adults say. In adult life, such a person may continue to be dependent on others for a sense of purpose or meaning in life. He has never learned to consult his inner feelings, or to own those feelings as his responsibility instead of blaming other people for them and for what feelings "make me do". There is often a sense of not being able to stop himself going into action when faced with impulses or strong emotions.

To understand how this may lead to murder, it's important to put it once again in social context: the man belongs to a society that is already very dependent on violence and coercion. There are many legal guns in South Africa and we could even say there is a pro-gun culture here. Guns are often seen as an extension of the self, psychologically speaking. Previous violence or suicide attempts and a tendency to busy himself with firearms should definitely be viewed as danger signs. Because violence is often considered the ultimate or only solution to problems, people may fail to develop skills in any area other than aggression, intimidation or weaponry. In a crisis, this is where they turn.

Family killers are frequently found to have been wife beaters before they murder - but seldom have they abused children. In fact, many have been looked on by others as model fathers and sometimes as having an ideal family. So much for appearances! You never know what is going on behind the closed door. Men who kill their families may have had long term difficulties in relating to others, which they hid by being extra helpful and caring towards people. Therefore, they may be the popular guy whom nobody really knows deep down.

What triggers the gunfire which kills?

What actually triggers the gunfire that kills? This brings us back to "extended suicide". Criminologists think that the family killer does not intend killing "other people" at all. Because in his own mind, his wife and family are not "other" but are part of himself. He plans to kill himself, but for him to be fully dead, they too must no longer live. Alternatively, he may have become convinced that they cannot survive without him. Therefore, the factors that lead up to a family killing are much the same as the build-up to a suicide: misuse of alcohol, becoming isolated from family and friends, feeling rejected or abandoned, a crisis such as loss of a job, or a financial loss, or an attempt by the wife to leave him.

If a man has made previous suicide attempts, this is probably the most significant warning sign of an impending family murder. A surge of desperation or feelings of being "fenced in", in a person who has previously been withdrawn and apathetic is also a warning sign, and of course so is a suicide threat of any kind.

Can family murders be prevented?

Can family murders be prevented? In individual cases, possibly not. It is not likely that people other than the immediate family will be aware of the gathering destructiveness until it is too late.

The wife is the one person who may have a chance of stopping it. If your husband has shown any of the tendencies or warning signs mentioned above, then you should be extra careful to keep yourself and your children safe. Ensure if possible that firearms are disabled and locked away, and that you have a "bolt hole" or escape route planned. Organisations for the prevention of violence against women, such as POWA, can advise about this. You should also take any threat of suicide or violence extremely seriously, even (or especially) if he is drinking at the time. If you're seriously worried, get yourself and your children out and go somewhere you can't be found, like a women's shelter or a friend's house that is secure. Then call the police, stressing the delicacy of the situation.

There are also things that we can all do, as members of society, to make family murders less likely - by creating a social climate which is unfriendly to the mental set-up of extended suicide. We can:

• encourage people, especially men, to handle stress more effectively, talk about their feelings, and set an example in this regard
• acknowledge problems and be willing to discuss them with people outside the family (within safe boundaries such as confidentiality)
• learn and share skills in conflict management, negotiation, assertiveness and communication generally
• be a friend to people, reach out, don't let them become isolated
• encourage people, especially a man, to have hope that family relationships and marriage relationships can be restored with the right help
• encourage despairing people, especially a man, to focus on positive events of the past and times when he has been successful in overcoming problems
• uphold the rights (and responsibilities) of women and children
• learn to act democratically and to show respect for the feelings and opinions of others including the young, the poorly educated and those who have less power and influence
• challenge and confront stereotypes of masculinity - this is something that men themselves can do, creating a different account of what it is to be "a man"
• challenge and confront the assumptions of the gun culture and work towards a society free from guns
• work within our own groups - our churches, workplaces, families, or other social groups - to challenge and combat authoritarianism and power structures where one person or a small group prescribes to everyone else without those other people being heard
• bring up children to feel confident in making their own decisions, so that as adults they may love and need others without stifling the freedom of those they love.

Some useful resources

Lifeline 011 616 7889 (National office; or look in local phone book)

Centre for the Study of Violence and Reconciliation 011 403 5102

Women's Recovery and Empowerment Programme, Rondebosch, Cape 021 797 1400

Trauma Centre for Victims of Violence and Torture, Cape Town 021 45 7373

Childline for any child in fear or danger 0800 055 555

Befrienders South Africa, Bloemfontein - telephonic counselling for despair or suicidal people - 051 31 2765

Suicide Anonymous 24 Hour Emergency Line - 011 337 3737

Toughlove Family Support network 011 886 3344

Alcoholics Anonymous - see local phone book

Nissa Institute for Women's Development - crisis counselling and shelter - 011 854 5804 (Lenasia) or emergency page 854 6550 #Ba2243

People Against Human Abuse, Pretoria: 012 805 7416

People Opposing Woman Abuse POWA: 011 642 4345 (counselling and shelter)

And an interesting website: http://www.manhood.com.au - for a different view of what it is to be a man and a father.

Acknowledgements With thanks to Professor H. Conradie, UNISA Department of Criminology, for help and information