The late teens are undergoing rapid transformation. Most 17/18 year olds in developed societies are still living at home in body but their energy is charging out there into the world.

It’s a frustrating time of feeling like you know it all but yet you are still told what to do. The truth is the protection of home is still a huge safety blanket while you step hesitantly out to test the waters.

Girls who feel secure at home often enjoy the dependence and help from their parents and find a lot of relief from the ‘safety blanket.’ Its tough suddenly having the doors to all sorts of experiences flung open.

So how do most girls cope with this move into life beyond school?

They do it in groups! Friends that you have had through school are now vital in helping with this transition into independence.

Your girlfriends share the same confusions, fears and make the same mistakes so you don’t have to explain a lot about ‘how and why’ to them. They understand! They are ‘in it’ with you. Yes you may fight or compete with some girlfriends but if you have a tight group you also have a whole lot of fun and enjoy the rollercoaster ride together.

This kind of support is so important because you kind of stick together and do similar things and go to the same places and date the same age guys (normally 1 or 2 years older).

It’s also a time of sometimes feeling pretty insecure or anxious on the inside. You may worry a lot about if you doing the right thing. At this stage in life it's kind of easier to go with the flow and mostly follow the group.

Now I'm telling this whole story because it really highlights why an older guy can really be tricky for your gradual development.

When you both in your 20’s age gaps are not so important.

But when you're 17 and 18 and just finishing school an age gap above 3 years is huge!

A young guy of 25 has already been through the whole ‘leaving the nest’ syndrome. He's probably struggled and fought with his parents and has already discovered his freedom. He's the boss of his world.

Most often he's already finished varsity and is probably already working, making his own money. His big group of school buddies has already thinned out as they are making their own way in the world and he's busy making new friends too.

He's really moving on and out. He can do more than he's ever done and is ‘upwardly mobile’ and pretty focused on his career. These guys think they’re still immortal!

A 17/18 year old girl likes to think she knows it all. In fact she thrives on that. But lets face it, even her body has only just been developed as a woman for a few years only.

At this age you are not a woman yet and not an adult either just yet. This is the age of experimentation and loads of clean fun, dares and laughs. Sure you don’t tell your parents everything anymore but you do still need them. You want there approval, permission and help most of the time even if you don’t admit it.

This is a very intense age period: it’s the time that the butterfly is struggling to get out the cacoon. Its scary and sore deep down. But oh so necessary.

So now this 17 year old meets a 26 year old. She's desperate to appear grown up and cool. She loves the idea of sudden independence and being ‘grown up’. So if he likes to be with her, it’s a huge ego boost and she can really show off in front of her friends and go up ‘a notch’ in their estimation.

Instantly she can go to ‘real’ clubs not teen jols. Instantly she gets to be picked up by her man in his very own car. She feels special and important. And he has ‘done it all’ which makes her feel secure too.

The down side here is that she is giving up her own unique experience and fun of expanding out into the world. And she is giving up the group of girlfriends. They are not doing what she is doing. Friends do stand by but if it goes on for long, girlfriends feel left out and get on with their own lives. They have to.

I think it's great to have a relationship with someone you love, get on with, have fun and laughs together. No matter what the age gap. If it’s a respectful easy going and enjoyable relationship that’s fantastic. Having that special man to do things with and to share with brings enormous quality & meaning into our lives. BUT…and here is the problem with this specific age group.

A girl of 17 NEEDS to do it on her own and with her mates.

This experience is the very reason that her wings will expand and grow strong. She has to confront her parents and make her own decisions in order to gain independence. It's an enormous growth point. A girl this age is also naturally self-conscious and insecure deep down inside.

Outwardly she identifies with being BIG! Inwardly she still is a bit of a walk over. This can change and solidify pretty quickly if she does the personal work. Having an older guy to advise, support, pay, & take u places may sound fab but at the end of the day you’ll probably be going along with what he wants/says most of the time. And most of the time he is probably right…coz he’s ‘been there, done that’.

But it strips you of your own empowerment eventually. World social history has proven that young women often restrict and limit themselves, while the young men expand, grow and acquire more. Why be another statistic of female suppression!

The next difficulty is that its hard to go back.

Once you’ve been with an older guy, you will probably find most younger guys silly. They can't pay for you, nor take you to those special places. On top of it, if you with an older guy for long, you often loose your girlfriend groups. So there's no one there to catch u when u fall!

If your older boyfriend is socializing with your younger friends and their younger boyfriends… you have to ask yourself why? This is not normal. Older guys don’t like to hang round with younger guys all the time and if he is than I guarantee he’s immature. And why do want this?

Older guys also expect their girlfriends to ‘go all the way’ sexually. In fact studies in the US show that teen girls going out with boys in their 20’s have more sex than their peer group and also have more unwanted pregnancies and STD’s!!

Yes, younger guys will push for sex to but they kind of expect a ‘no’. Older guys don’t want or expects a ‘no’. This experience alone will estrange you from your girlfriends and normal social group. They won't understand and you may begin feeling pretty confused about what’s normal and good for you.

Suddenly you're in too deep and it's difficult to find your way back.

Older guys are also more solitary and selective of their friendships. They don’t move continuously in a big groups all the time. They like chilling out with a small group. They may do dinner parties and some even do 6 clubs a night coz they can. U can't do this in a big group.

So as a younger girl, you’ll miss out on the last chances to hangout and have huge fun with a big group of friends. More commitment and seriousness happens with an older guy.

Gone are the days of ‘light’ and just for fun.

Normal 17/18 year old girls are still getting picked up by their folks or at least checking in with them. Now suddenly that monitoring and safety net must go. You and your parents will feel at odds about this.

Parents get VERY concerned with this sort of age gap at this specific age. It can cause all sorts of complications and fights. They think you’re growing up to fast, and could be pushed into situations you are not ready to handle.

(Most of the time they’re right in this instance, sorry).

For me no matter how fab the older guy is, I’d keep it at a distance for a year or two. OR be strict with keeping balance. Have your own life too. Spend time with your school group no matter what he says. Don’t hang with him every weekend!

You need this time to ‘grow’ and enjoy yourself while there’s some parental protection still around. It’s an amazing period but a very intense one too. Go big but go home! There will be plenty of time for experimenting with young, old and in between in your 20’s.

This article first appeared in Seventeen magazine.
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