Assertive statements tend to get results - but not always. Sometimes, people counter-challenge. Ways of doing this include changing the subject; battering you with a strong display of emotion or aggression; joking or making fun of you, trying to make you feel guilty about your assertive request, and questioning or criticising either you or your request. They may resort to accusations to get you off balance, mount a personal attack ("Who do you think you are, anyway?"), try to delay responding, block with a string of "why" questions or debating points, make direct threats, and so on. This is the not-so-easy part of assertiveness - sticking with it and standing your ground. In "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook", Edmund J. Bourne suggests some skills that can be useful in such situations, to keep your assertive stance in place.

The "Broken Record" technique (do people still remember how vinyl records used to stick in the groove and repeat?) - is invaluable. You simply repeat the request statement no matter what the other person says in response - calmly and firmly. The great advantage of Broken Record is that is helps YOU stay focused in the face of the other person's dodging. It also prevents an unwanted relationship developing! This can be very useful with trained service personnel who may be quite expert in getting their message across (your family's health is at risk unless you buy this product, we never give money back in this store, our computers are down, you'll have to come back tomorrow, and so on). With people who are close to you, Broken Record tends to close off communication too much - though Bourne suggests that it is useful with nagging children (Perhaps combined with a focusing remark like "Show me your ears. Are they working today?")

"Fogging" is particularly good for fending off intrusion whilst avoiding an argument. Fogging confuses the other person by agreeing with them. "That nail varnish looks ghastly on you", says Mom, "Yes, you're probably right", says daughter. "You should be home with the children more", says Gran. Yes, says Mom, you could be right. Why do this? Because often, it's just not worth giving the other person something to quarrel with - that is just what they want. "All my friends are wearing this" is a red rag to a bull, as is "Mind your own business". To work, Fogging must be played straight, no sarcasm - even if you have to grit your teeth! Sometimes, you won't want to agree with the specific criticism, but can deflect it by agreeing with the principle behind it. 'That boy needs a good hiding', says Grandfather. "Yes, we probably should take a firmer line with him", responds Dad (who has no intention of giving anyone a hiding). Like Broken Record, Fogging has limitations in close relationships: a time may come when underlying issues need to be addressed.

The Process Shift takes more practice. It means shifting your attention from the content/meaning of what is being said, to the "process" going on between the parties (what happened first, what next, etc.) This is not easy, as you have to pay attention! But it is very valuable if the response you get indicates that the person has not heard you or is not willing to acknowledge the request - for example if they turn it into a joke. For example, " Wife: I'd like you to let me know when you'll be getting home tonight. Husband: Yes, Boss. Wife: OK, have your laugh. But humour is getting us off the point". Of course, getting off the point is the whole reason for his comedy act, but Process Shift exposes this attempt to avoid and keeps things on track.

Defusing is an important strategy in close relationships, including at work. If someone is really upset by your complaint or request, by definition that isn't a good time to discuss it further. It's better to say ""I can see you're upset, but this is important to me. We'll talk about it again later". The other person might be invited to say when that will be - so long as endless deferment is not an option.

A sharp, passionate or aggressive response may be handled using Assertive Inquiry to maintain a calm, reasonable attitude. Just imagine asking someone to smoke outside, because their smoke is bothering you, and they respond "Tell someone who cares", or something similar. Inquiry might say: "Why is it such a problem for you to smoke somewhere else?" Or to the defensive husband, "Why is it so difficult for you to simply give me a call?" Often, Inquiry will touch on underlying issues in a relationship, bringing them to the surface. This can be very helpful, especially at work, because people increase their work stress by fuming and fretting, never thinking to approach the other person directly and get matters "off their chest", because they're afraid of the consequences if they do. Taking the way of least resistance and backing off might earn you peace and quiet in the short term, but in the long term your stress level goes up - better to deal with it directly and get to the root of the problem.

Can assertiveness be dangerous?

Are there times when assertiveness is dangerous? Yes, possibly. In highly abusive relationships (physically, economically or emotionally abusive, at work or at home), there are important aspects that need to be considered, such as personal safety or security. Assertiveness is a communication technique, not a way to solve all social problems. Yet communication must still take place in bad relationships, even if it is a mine-field at times. Techniques such as Fogging, Defusing and Inquiry - along with improved skills in listening and negotiating - are especially important. Avoiding manipulation, either being a manipulator or the target of manipulation, is an important step to healthier and less stressful relationships.

Recommended Reading

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, by Edmund J. Bourne, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., Oakland, California, 1995

Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, by Roger Fisher and William Ury. Houghton Mifflin, Boston, 1981