Most of my female friends began whispering behind my back about the sorry state of my midlife crisis and assured me that I had just been a psychologist for too long. Spiders and washing were their greatest concerns. My male friends didn’t want to discuss it as maybe it wasn’t their idea or maybe it challenged their egos.

My teenage boys were the biggest obstacle. There was no convincing them. I was their trendy professional mother who did fun things, still went clubbing and listened to funky music, and maybe now and then placed a few crystals around while chanting ‘oom’. Consulting an African Zulu sangoma they could live with, but shaking rattles, hitting a drum and honoring the four corners of the earth from a remote spot was a bit hard for them to swallow. It brought out the protective nature of my 15-year-old whereas my youngest son of 13 simply shook his head.

As a single mother, I juggled work, home and a fun social life in Cape Town. Hence, my own internal cynic was the most difficult to deal with and as a result I nearly cancelled twice because “work was too hectic” or “I was needed at home”. The only way I calmed my own rising fears was to remind myself that at sometime in my life I had always wanted to be able to have been in the wilderness completely on my own for a few days.

The idea of sleeping under the stars ignited my romantic and soulful nature and it also seemed a tangible way to do deep work. I wanted this challenge of psychological and emotional strength.

The start of the search

Towards the end of last year I had been reassessing my career and I was yearning to find a more direct creative outlet. I had begun to dream about photography, film making and possibly writing a book. I realised psychotherapy is creative and I recognised that many of the workshops and presentations I was involved in as a speaker with my astrological partner were stimulating and innovative, yet on a deep level I was beginning to question whether they truly reflected my authentic self and my need to create. This easily evolved into the goals for my quest: to find and reconnect with my own unique creativity and in so doing feel my authenticity as a woman.

We discussed this type of information during the first four days which consolidated the eight questers and I felt safe with them as we drove to the mountain. I did catch myself checking and rechecking my meagre kit. I was scared and excited at the same time. I yearned to break out, to break free. Would I finally connect with the wild woman inside me?

Walking into the sacred

Twelve hours later, my world had already changed. I calmly placed my silver bird necklace on a stone, standing in the centre of the circle of eight questers. With the help of our facilitators, Judy and Valerie, I was performing a rite of passage.

Stepping out of the ‘threshold’ circle meant that I was taking my first step into the sacred realm hoping to connect with deep parts of myself and nature. I symbolically became invisible to my fellow questers. Without looking back, I pulled on my back pack and headed east, the direction of the rising sun that represented the visionary and creative power.

I was participating in a vision quest which, in its simplest form, is about going into nature in solitude, without food or luxuries, for the purpose of reflection to find life purpose.

To the Native American Indians, east is the direction to go to connect with the male and female aspects of God and to celebrate life. It represented summer and abundance where singing and bells are used as healing tools.

I strode along a dusty road before turning off into thick fynbos and restios, steadily moving towards the base of the mountains. My emotions surged up from my gut charging me with excitement and anticipation. I would be alone for four days and nights without food or proper shelter, just with the 20 litres of water I had carried out the day before. The feelings of freedom and gratitude caught me. I had no cell phone, no responsibilities, no one to answer to, no routine. It was just me. My companions were to be the wind, the sun, the rocks, the earth and all the creatures that could survive in this small wilderness in the Cederburg mountains. The process evoked my romantic love of lore and mystery.

As I walked out from base camp, I felt the presence of many wise people who had gone before me and I felt supported with that knowledge. The vision quest is a rite of passage, a ceremony, originally used by native American Indians in order to access a healing vision deep within the self, while alone in the wilderness.

During the previous four days of preparation I participated in the process of ‘severance’ which meant that I leave my known world behind for a time. I had learnt about the American Indian philosophies, rituals and their symbolic use of the four compass directions and I looked forward to using these for deep inner work.

The Living Mountain

“Mountain will you welcome me, wrap your loving arms round me,” I sung just before a small honeyguide chirped right in my face from atop a boulder and started flying ahead of me leading the way to ‘tilting rock’. I longed to be up as far as I could climb, to be close to the vastness of the sky to look out across the magnificent valley. At this moment I made a conscious decision to look through Native American Indian eyes. To them, all life forms, including rocks and plants, have a spirit and a meaning, even the mountain was living.

Birds were seen as the ultimate symbols of transcendence. They live in realms beyond physical time and place. They show us how to rise above our circumstance and believe in our intuition. Larks, sparrows, swifts, swallows, doves became the loves of my life and later, while I was languishing on a rock staring at cloud shapes, I saw two black eagles catching thermals above me. I felt as if my spirit would rise with them into the sun. I began to yearn and long for peace, for healing and for a lightness of spirit.

Tilting Rock

I intuitively found my ‘home’ the day before, when we began our integration into mountain time by learning about safety and how to set up our ‘buddy rock system’. (We are each responsible to monitor the quester closest via daily letter exchanges left under a buddy rock. Mine in the afternoon, my 'buddy' in the morning.) I had looked up at a koppie across the plains and saw an overhang that seemed to have a number seven chiseled out of stone. The divine number! Then I climbed up to find rocks in a semi circle with the seventh one perched at a precarious angle on top, creating a shelter that also had a magnificent view north.

I preformed my own blessing to honor ‘tilting rock’ and stated aloud a strong intention for safety and soul nourishment.

My first day alone was spent exploring my surroundings, finding different places of shelter from the strong wind that begun to blow and shade from the blazing heat. The late afternoon golden glow was glorious and I began to feel melancholy and longed for my boyfriend. I began my journal writing just as the drums from the base camp echoed through the valley. Every evening before sunset Judy and Valerie would play drums to honor and support us. Some of the questers had drums and hearing the answer of their beats made me cry from a rush of joy and comfort.

I slept early the first night. The wind dropped and as the moon shone bright into my shelter, I felt cradled by the earth and blanketed by the sky.

Celebration of Rituals

Waking at first light with birds calling was energising although I soon felt the nausea from the detoxifying process. I was surprisingly never hungry. I spent the day setting up a ritual for myself. Part of my goal for being there was to call in my creativity and contemplate my future. I decided to begin the process. I wrote a list of all the parts of me that blocked my flow like procrastination and fear of failure. I then drew up a list for my new innovative self. I collected some seeds and placed them on my ‘altar’. I then took out my beads and made a gift to myself, threading beads into different patterns representing all that I wanted for my ‘new’ life of flow. With loving intention I burnt the old list saying goodbye to the blocks within me. I poured some of my precious water on the seeds to represent new growth and claimed my gift of a string of beads.

It was so gratifying to treat myself with such careful thought. I had an urge to celebrate. I began to dance and sing in the sun like a wild mountain woman. I loved it, I laughed at myself and did it again. This was when my ‘power’ song came to me. It’s a beautiful song I made up spontaneously for myself that encourages me to be all the beautiful aspects I am or want for myself. It made my heart swell. This represented the energy of the east.

The powerful North

The night of the full moon was peaceful and I woke wanting to do North work. The north is the place of the warrior whose principle is 'showing up', 'being present' and demonstrates 'right action'. We were taught in our group, about the right use of power and I realised that I often found it difficult to take a stand and set clear boundaries.

North became an important direction where I carried out my daytime rituals with a rattle which made me feel like a wild woman of the mountains. I was determined to be like a warrior and break destructive patterns in my life, like betrayal. The north rituals of dancing and doing standing meditations made me feel courageous, free and in touch with the wilderness. I sang on the top of my voice to the valley “dumelo moya waka,” a Zulu song to call my spirit back.

That afternoon I spent sitting with the lizards and birds painting and making beads. Life had never been better. As the sun set I stood in warrior style meditating and thanking the day. This was life at its finest.

Fighting my fears

The third night brought with it a howling gale and I spent the night rushing around in the dark trying to find shelter. My inner life was just as restless and I woke in a sweat from a nightmare. I began to feel deep creeping fear, alone in the wind, high up on a koppie in the dark. I panicked and curled myself in fetal position almost under a rock, trying to feel safe.

At first light I was shaken, irritable and felt lonely and frightened. I began to realize how powerful the emotion of fear was in my life. I felt like I had been born fearful and that it pervaded my life in definite and subtle ways. Outwardly I did not show it, appearing brave and courageous. I began to identify how this core fear had motivated all kinds of decisions: moving houses, leaving cities suddenly, holding onto jobs and relationships for too long. It caused me to crave security and often made me panic, overreact and become irrational.

Fear even pervaded my spiritual life. At the deepest level I really did not believe that I was cherised nor protected by the divine. The world was not safe. Fear was my bedrock emotion. This discovery was shattering and I was fortunate to have the techniques we had been taught.

This was the time of the south. South for me became the place of the deep unexplained, feared and untempered emotion. The place of the heart and the best instrument to use is the drum. The drum is used by shaman societies to facilitate healing and to sustain open heartedness. Its an uninhibited realm, the place where, as a psychologist, it makes sense to access the inner child, the childish tantrums and the reservoir of tears held from the wounds of our upbringing; as well as the free child and all the unbridled enthusiasm and joy.

This direction became quite daunting for me. We were told that it was here that we could also feel the most potent healing force available to human beings: the power of love. I only realised once I returned home that I slept in the south side of my cave. That was where I felt most safe in the dark at night.

The all night vigil

My final night had come. It was the night of the all night vigil where you sit up all night within a circle made of stones. I prepared for it most of the afternoon. I painted rocks to mark the four directions of my purpose circle. The purpose was that I say goodbye to my ‘old’ self, so that at sunrise I could step out towards the east, with new intention to put into practice all the insights that I had made. I made another symbolic bead gift for myself to receive and wear as a reminder of this pledge to myself. My chant became: “trust and surrender to love, to my higher self and to God.”

By that afternoon my first small miracle happened. My body became supple! More supple than I have ever been in my life. It was as if all fear and tension had left. The second miracle involved the position of my purpose circle. The wind had come up again and I was reluctant to sit where I intuitively felt prompted to: on a ledge overlooking the valley. This position would surely be too exposed. After much agonizing, I put ‘trust and surrender’ to the test. That night I discovered that a small space within the circle was somehow protected and completely wind free!

I loved sitting up all night, it was magical. I meditated, sang, played with my sticks and rattle, wrote poems and reused the symbolism of the four directions to think about my life.

Just after midnight as I was watching the moon inch across the arc of the sky I started to hear drums and singing voices. As the wind howled and gusted it played with trees, grasses, gullies and crevices bringing with it haunting sounds and songs. It sounded like lamenting singers, chanting voices and teams of drums. This captivated and soothed me. I wrote: “Singing mountains whispering to me, moon in it’s holy glow soothing, wind with its voice moving me, trees telling of spirits heart.”

I was indeed crossing over into dreamtime, mountain time, magic time. I became ‘bold woman free!’

Peace at home

Now, two months later, I still yearn for the mountain, I still sing to myself and sit listening to songs that the wind brings in the dark. I discovered inner resources I never knew I had.

I still wear my beads and often glance nostalgically at my sketch of my rock home, which immediately reminds me to not take myself too seriously. So I let go, relax and smile knowing that the feisty nature of my wild woman within, is just one thought away. Whether I’m shopping, at a dinner party or picking my boys up from school, she’s still with me. She is like a fire in my belly and I know my sons like her too, yet they may wonder where she’s taking me or us next!

In short, the quest, for me, is a discovery of the magic of life that is there for all of us to partake in. We can access it in our dreams, or when we connect in love to another. When we think a beautiful thought and when we dance or laugh from deep in our belly. And last, but not least, when we honor nature or praise Mother or Father God.

The Journey

Myths and legends, almost every religion, tribal beliefs and many psychological theories talk about the theme of going into the underworld or into the shadow to either retrieve a part of the self, or soul, or to find something new.

Joseph Campbell, the famous mythologist, talks about the hero’s journey, which is a journey from stagnation to new life. It is a going and a returning and describes various trials and tribulations that have to be endured. We know that Buddha went into solitude and sat under a bo tree where he received an illumination; Jesus went into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights to fast and pray; Greek mythical heroes are always going on adventures. Demeter had to descend to rescue Persephone from Hades, the God of the Underworld. The descent was also the last of Psyche’s heroine tasks in order to be reunited with her beloved Eros.

Psychotherapy also contains the theme of the process of descent and re-emergence. As we go into the unconscious, we go to reclaim memories, feelings and thoughts that are painful and are therefore repressed. This process restores our well being and wholeness.

There is an ancient promise wrapped up in all these stories that the descent will nourish and bring insight, even though it is dark or cold. I would have to remember this.

Facts

The Cape Town vision quest into the nearby Cederberg mountains takes 10 days. Three days of group work at a private seaside house, during which you learn about the rite of ‘severance’ which is the process of letting go of your familiar securities and welcoming the unknown.

You also learn about the philosophy of the vision quest, the tools and resources used by the Native American Indians and how to apply them; you contemplate why you have chosen to go to the mountain and what you hope to discover; you understand the significance of the four directions of north, south, east and west and what healing rituals can be used; the healing use of rattles, sticks, drums and chimes is also explained.

The teachers Judy and Valerie, encourage each person to bring their own wisdom, culture or beliefs to the process. This is followed by five nights (four of which are solo time) in the Cederburg mountains, a two hour drive north from Cape Town.

This is the main part of the vision quest, where the rite of crossing the ‘threshold’ into sacred time is performed. The vision quest is about being alone with yourself in the mountain and using your tools of choice to facilitate your journey of self discovery and healing. It is a deeply personal experience and is different for each person. The final two days involve the process of re-integration back into real time at the seaside house. During this time you tell your story and listen to the others.

Contact Information

Judy Bekker and Valerie Morris have been conducting 11-day Vision Quest programmes in South Africa since 1993. From October until April each year, these workshops include four days and nights solo-fasting in nature. You can contact them on Tel: +27 21 782 1826 or email: vmorris@rbanet.co.za Their work is based on the training of Steven Foster & Meredith Little of San Francisco whose books are:

The Sacred Mountain Handbook

An edited version of this article appears in the July 2002 edition of Shape magazine.

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